tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central October 6, 2016 2:05am-2:36am PDT
[cheers and applause] >> chris: hello everyone. it's 29 minutes until midnight and the day resets and you're on your own. i can't always be there and you're going to have to learn to be okay with that. i'm chris hardwick, this is @midnight. tech behemoth and friendly skynet google announced their newest iphone competitor at a press conference yesterday. take it away, man dressed like he manages an abercrombie kids! >> today i'm excited to introduce to you a new phone made by doin google. we call it pixel. >> chris: yes! raise your weak phones in praise to your new god! pixel looks pretty cool, but there's something fishy going on. ahead of the press conference,
gizmodo noticed leaked specs for the phone listed one of the features as "google magic." right at the top. but when the phone was officially released, "google magic" disappeared! what happened? was it a victim of it's own magic? are they just saving that feature for when apple releases the iphone 9 and three-quarters? no one knows! comedians, what is this mysterious "google magic?" >> when you put on the google glasses it casts a spell that makes you invisible to women. >> chris: points. rich eisen. >> if your wife is looking at your screen it replaces porn with football scores. >> chris: points. bob saget. >> google magic is google retiring from basketball after contracting aids. >> chris: google magic. yes, yes. points for that. >> chris: next, heightgate. in a close presidential race, or a dick measuring contest, every inch counts, which is probably
why team trump has decided to employ some creative measuring. in september, donald's doctor listed him as 6'3" when he had previously been 6'2". we'd say it was a simple mistake, but come on-- this is a medical professional there he is. >> nikki rourke in "castaway." chris: a hundred points for that. >> chris: i have been calling him spammy hagar. now trump's v.p., the ghost of mayonnaise past, seems to be following suit. at last night's vice presidential debate, it was clear that tim kaine, hillary's vp and the dad on every disney channel show, was substantially taller than mike pence. and yet, when we looked it up online, pence is listed as taller than kaine! what the [beep] either trump and pence are lying, or maybe they just measure their heights while standing on the backs of the poor. [cheers and applause] but it's actually a good
political strategy. studies show that taller candidates tend to beat shorter candidates for president >> chris: that are more presidential. >> mike pence can make a cucumber disappear by sitting on it. >> chris: okay. points, points. rich eisen. >> pence's hair is that white and not the result of skiing the ghost that haunts trump's toupee. >> chris: points. greg proops. >> they're two old white guys they don't have to lie about anything. >> chris: points. next i ammo fended by something. seriously. everyone is offended by something. you throw anything out and someone will be offending. case in point this young woman is getting the business on reddit for getting cartoonishly upset and crying about something she found offensive. what did she find offensive?
a her gynecologist vaping during an exam? b, rap lyrics? c, some guy named ben ghazi? >> i say her gynecologist have ing during her exam. she was doing the same thing. >> chris: the correct answer is b, rap lyrics. white people get up set about those. it's north north. she calls it (nervous laugh) >> -- my mama's children. folks node porches. heos need abortions. >> chris: yes. first of all, they do. they do. but she's clearly upset because porsches doesn't rhyme with abortions. now, to be fair, she has every right to be traumatized by
something that offends her that she doesn't have to listen to. read with the actual norf norf. jack? drop it like it's tepid! >> put that on my -- gangster [beep] we're the ladies, we're the hoe- >> chris: see. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it was all worth it to get to that. >> chris: that is the whitest thing i've ever seen, and i have a mirror in my bathroom. next, click debait. politico is reporting that cnn has poached buzzfeed's entire political research team. finally, something to lend cnn some credibility. s from people bringing you mind blowing breaking news like "19 things everyone with a face should know about acne." and "33 candles you need to smell before you die." this election could be decided by millennials, so i think it's smart for cnn to join forces
with the people that court the click-bait vulnerable generation who live entire double lives on the internet and can only be lured into a white van if that van has an apple sticker on it. comedians, please give me a buzzfeed-style clickbait headline cnn might run about this election. rich eisen. >> hillary's 9-11 pneumonia stumble set to beyonces 7-11 is everything. >> chris: greg proofs. >> a plaque man was unarmed. these southern cops have perfect response. >> chris: oh, no. points. [laughing] >> chris: bob saget. >> if trump is elected president jasmine and pocahontas have to be deported. >> chris: all of them. [cheers and applause] > chris: that's the end of rapid refresh. let's check the scoreboards. from "fuller house," season 2 premieres on netflix december 9, he's currently touring theaters around the country, it's bob saget. [cheers and applause]
>> chris: a man i spent way too many drunken nights with back in the old day. >> i don't remember them. chris: i don't remember either. >> now we're in a better place. chris: ya, i have a wife. >> beautiful wife. chris: beautiful. >> i have been seeing her. [laughing] >> chris: oh that's what shement when she said she was getting tanner. host of "the rich eisen show," daily on directv's audience network & premiere radio network, it's rich eisen. [cheers and applause] performing with "whose live anyway?" at the mountain winery in saratoga october 7, it's greg proops. [cheers and applause]
>> chris: good friends, now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. this is a very busy time ofier for sports i'm told. baseball playoffs kicking off yes, the n.f.l. season underway, and jose canseco getting mistaken for a seasonal pumpkin. so since all the sporting events are sure to give us memorable cinematic moments, tonight's hashtag is #addsportsruinamovie. examples: "a nascar named desire" and "jurassic gronk." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, begin. >> lebron james and the giant peach. >> chris: yes. greg poops. >> a beautiful mind idled by a concussion. >> -- 2-point don version. chris: bob, it wasn't your turn. i will give you a hundred points this time. if you do it again you have to blow rich. >> don't give me the hundred
points i really want to blow rich. >> do guilty a say in this? chris: no. >> okay. [laughing] >> indiana pace skpertz legal job of doom. >> chris: points. greg proops. >> to kill a larry bird. chris: points. saget. >.saving noel en ryan. chris: proops. >> schindler's batting order. chris: rich. >> the prince of roll tide. chris: proops. >> all dogs go to michael sreubgz house. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #addsportsruinamovie and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @partydrock. [beep] ya.
[cellphone ring] uh oh, should have put that phone on silent. luckily, jay chews trident to help clean and protect his teeth, so he can hide his guilt with a convincing grin. that's it jay, they'll never know. trident. cherish your teeth. it's here. the amazing new iphone everyone's excited about. and t-mobile is the best place to get it. your iphone deserves a network built for unlimited data. so you can use your new iphone 7 to stream, watch and play as much as you want. all on america's fastest 4g lte network. and get 4 lines for just $35 per month each with unlimited everything from t-mobileone on the amazing new iphone 7.
what? is he gone?? finally, i thought he'd never leave... tv character: why are you texting my man at 2 a.m.? no... if you want someone to leave you alone, you pretend like you're sleeping. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. tv character: taking selfies in the kitchen does not make you a model.
>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play child protective goods and services. we live in a litigious culture where people sue for damages at the drop of a hat, because it was emotionally traumatizing when their hat fell off. they need to be compensated. this makes it all the more shocking to see the dangerous products they used to get away with marketing, especially to children. cracked.com compiled an amazing list of "wildly irresponsible vintage ads aimed at kids." i'm going to show you one of these ads, and for 250 points
you give me a mad men style old school tag line to help sell it. first up, why don't you wrap your babies up in some dupont cellophane? >> oh, boy. chris: yes keep them fresh. rich. >> if it's good enough for the fruit salad it's good enough for the fruit of your lions. >> chris: points. bob. >> are you tired of your babies going to bed in the freezer. [laughing] >> chris: points. next up, hey kids, who wants a pet monkey or a baby raccoon? a darling pet monkey. bob saget. >> does your baby have too much face. [laughing] >> chris: points. next one, razorblades for babies! hurray. bob. >> does your baby have too much face. >> chris: yes, points. i think a lot of these default
to that. >> every answer. chris: rich. >> the number one razor in italy for managing baby's greasy 5:00 o'clock shadow. >> chris: i'm half italian. i'm half offend bid. that the other half is okay. >> thank you, chico. chris: hey, it's okay. greg proops. >> good for baby, better for your man back. >> chris: points. next one, the health tan sun lamp you can leave your baby to sleep under. rich eisen. >> in 15 minutes you will have the perfect medium rare baby. >> chris: tender inside, crispy outside. >> just like mom use to make. next one, beer for children ad old people. greg proops. >> never too early or too late to be an alcoholic. >> chris: yes, points. [laughing] finally, have a toothache kid? try cocaine.
>> co kay tooth drops. cocaine tooth drops. >> chris: bob saget. >> you're never too young to start sucking [beep] for coke. [ applause ] >> chris: points for that. rich eisen. >> look for it in your local strip club djs glove box. >> chris: points. greg proops. >> -- [beep] amazing [beep] [cheers and applause] >> oh my together! >> you guys want to stay out -- >> talk about our teeth, our [beep] teeth, ya. >> i can't feel my hair. >> i can't feel my face when i'm with you, dad. >> chris: that's the end of child protective goods and services. it's time for our live challenge, the merchant of menace.
[cheers and applause] we just saw an entire galleryf horrifying products that are more dangerous to kids than a baby rattle with the snake still attached. right there. oh. oh, no, that snake will get germs. i think somebody needs to change that kid's viper. come on, kids. come on, your old dad likes to tell jokes. so comedians, in the spirit of those deadly children's products, over the break i'd like for you to make a vintage tv commercial for an insanely dangerous product marketed to children. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪
>> chris: welcome back to @minight. before the break i showed you an entire gallery of super dangerous products marketed to children and i asked you to make a commercial for another product that will put your little ones at risk. let's see what you came up with. greg proops, let's start with you. >> hello, children. i'm professor greg proops. struggling to stay focusd in school? try tobacco cigarettes. they will calm your nerves and focus your brain. also available in dip. [laughing] >> chris: that was so -- excellent use of the library. saget, let's go to yours. >> nothing relieves asthma like
as bet toe. yes a asbestos from our factoryn north korea. watch how simple. it's that simple. oh, that's the stuff -- >> chris: hope you're okay after. that and rich eisen. >> introducing a new game teaching children about the medical profession. operation. kids will learn how to remove friends blood and guts using real surgical stools and aesthesia. this is not a board game, it's actual surgery. purchase waves all legal rights. [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. a thousand points to rich and 500 to greg and bob. which ties everyone. which means back to the game.
[cheers and applause] >> chris: it's time for the juice is out. juice is out. monday marked the 21st anniversary of the acquittal of notorious autograph thief orenthal simpson, who, as i'm sure you know, was found not guilty of double murder, because the jury was dazzled by a nursery rhyme about isotoners. yes, on oct 3rd 1995, riverboat saxophone player johnny cochran delivered the closing statement that decided the trial of the last century: "if the glove don't fit you must acquit." so comedians, in honor of that iconic turn of phrase, i'd like you to come up with as many other nonsensical rhyme-y things that johnny cochran also said. probably, in 60 seconds. go ahead. >> if you feel like [beep] take off your mitten. >> chris: points. >> if you go on a binnedder don't download tinder. >> if your car is keyed go smoke weed. >> buy a toilet from group on for something to poop on of.
>> if you're eating a orange, oh [beep]. >> chris: points. bobbie. >> when i get a little broke i just [beep] for coke. >> chris: again everyone is tied at 3400. everyone is tied. [cheers and applause] >> chris: how do you sports people figure this out when it's a tied game. >> it's all set. chris: okay. i yes i can't eliminate anyone. we are all going to for the win. wore all tied. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that means it's time to ring in the new, it's for the win! it's hard to believe 2016 is coming to a close and it's time to start looking ahead
to 2017, if the sky doesn't open up and destroy us all with a cleansing fire from a hell-dimension, which i think is probably at a 50/50 chance right now. if humanity survives, you're going to need a new wall calendar, that indispensable object of modern life that's almost as important as your yellow pages and discman portable player. personally, i'd like to suggest you purchase the 2017 dragon sex calendar. you can not live without this. >> my word. chris: you can not -- [cheers and applause] >> no wonder they went extinct. chris: well they're [beep] ruining the castle there. >> the dragon -- chris: he's dragging his balls. >> that one dragon is clearly dead. >> chris: yes. she is trying to resuscitate him. clear. comedians -- >> there is no better way to go
than that. >> chris: that's how i want to go. >> i want to be a pink dead dragon. >> chris: a pink dead dragon -- by another dragon. >> oh, springs. chris: it's not spring, greg, winter is coming. [laughing] >> wow. comedians, what's a note you would expect to see written on the 2017 dragon sex calendar? we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause] if i hired you, i see a few things changing. less mergers and acquisitions, more charitable donations.
retiring on top. linda?! letting boredom get the best of me. and then, returning triumphantly. smells like we're done here. [old spice anthem] whthat i would never grow up. made a deal with myself we met when we were very young... i was 17, he was 18. we made the movie the book of life. we started doing animation. with the surface book, you can do all this stuff. you can actually draw on the screen. so crisp. i love it. it's almost like this super powerful computer and a tablet had the perfect baby. it's a typewriter for writing scripts... it's a sketchbook for sketches... ...it's a canvas for painting... you can't do that on a mac. [cellphone ring] uh oh, should have put that phone on silent. luckily, jay chews trident to help clean and
>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. everyone was tied. i was too lazy to think of a tie breaker. everyone is here. i will wipe your scores lean. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. the power is in your hands. before the break i showed you the 2017 dragon sex calendar and asked you to create a note you'd see on said calendar. let's see what you came up with. first one ... anniversary of the day my uncle fingers me while we watched "the
hobbit." >> i wonder -- >> at least the artwork is better. >> chris: coincidentally he also lost his ring. >> oh. chris: come on. it's fake. [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. number two ... may 17th, game of thrones viewing party with garrett fogel. >> chris: alright. this dragon is dark, guys. or the last one ... buy imaginary girlfriend anniversary gift. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: number three. who is number three? who is number three? greg proops has won the internet. a spectacular competition tonight. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night